Boundaries.....Guarding Your Heart

This is a devotion from my Bible App Guarding Our Hearts “Above all else, guard your heart,” says the wise teacher (Proverbs 4:23). We are to be responsible stewards of our hearts, as it is our heart that determines everything we do (see Matthew 12:34–35; 15:18–19). The way Proverbs 4:23 ends shows us that our hearts are the spring from which our very life flows. To guard our hearts, we need to be careful as to what we allow to be in them. We are to be diligent in making sure that healthy things, such as love and truth, are entering our hearts, and that unhealthy things, such as deception, manipulation or abuse, are not. We have to work on the issues within our hearts as well. This means that we have to be getting rid of the toxic aspects of our own character through confession and repentance, as well as keeping other people’s toxicity from being “dumped on our property.” Healthy boundaries will help us to guard our hearts, much like a fence guards the physical property of someone’s home. Boundaries result from speaking our limits directly to others, saying what we will allow and what we will not allow to affect our hearts. It is our responsibility in guarding our hearts to speak up and make our boundaries clear. We need to take stewardship over what is in our hearts, making it a place where good things reside, and not allowing sickness or poison to be there, either from our own issues or the acts of others. Henry Cloud & John Townsend-Life Journey Devotion Gosh, there is so much truth in this. There comes a time when you can’t keep allowing toxic people to spew their venom on you. They make you responsible for their own actions, wanting you to clean up after them and their mistakes and always making you responsible for their happiness at the cost of losing yourself. Yep! I've been there.... truth be told I'm trying to break free and it's so incredibly painful. I'm so thankful for my hunky man and girls for their love and support. Not sure where I would be. God tells us in His word to “guard our hearts” from such things. That means it’s OUR RESPONSIBILITY, we have a job to do to protect ourselves and our families from such things. We have to learn to set healthy boundaries for ourselves, believe me I know it can be extremely difficult but it’s crucial for you, your health and your own sanity. When we don’t we aren’t being disobedient to the Lord but also in the process we lose ourselves to other people and their wrong behavior. Funny thing is when we THINK we are "helping" or "rescue" people you really aren't helping them. Actually you are keeping the cycle going. Someone has to get off the merry go round. Someone has to do something different. Setting boundaries while it might be hard and uncomfortable precious one, and even seem painful to others and yourself it's what's best for you and them. Honestly it's their only hope to change. I'll tell you ahead of time it won't be met with a rolled out red carpet LOL, no they will probably get angry, scream and holler and try and test your boundaries....they may also resort to control and manipulation. And ya know what, that's ok. You just don't respond. Part of the problem is that we've constantly reacted to the person so when we learn to stop reacting and learn to respond, things start changing. At least you do.

Hold your ground my friend! They need to know there are consequences to their choices and behavior. You are not making the choice for them you are merely deciding with your own unstifled voice what you will tolerate and allow and what you won't allow in your life anymore....they get to make the choice whether they will respect your boundaries or not. But now there are consequences that will come about if they choose to not respect them. Detachment with love just might be one of those decisions. This one is super hard for me but also living the way I have with a certain person in my life....is sucking the life out of me and when you see that person has no desire to change, take medication, seek the Lord and counseling to help themselves....it really kinda makes the choice for you. If you are going to get off the merry go round you must do something different, respond different, and or detach with love.

"Boundaries give us a sense of what is part of us and what is not part of us, what we will allow and what we won’t, what we will choose to do and what we will choose not to do. This leads to responsibility and love." Dr. Henry Cloud You can’t keep allowing people that hurt you to keep hurting you, all the while thinking they will change “THIS TIME!” My friends that’s the definition of INSANITY......doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results.

Does that sound familiar to you? Can you recall a time where you’ve done this and what helped you break free from this? Have you done this with someone in your life? Man, I sure have to the point of them just sucking the life out of me. I'm learning I can't change someone who doesn't see an issue with their actions or bad behavior.....this my friend is totally life changing! I can ONLY change how I react to them.

“Separateness is an important aspect of human identity. We are to be connected to others without losing our identity and individuality. We are to master the art of “being me without losing you.” Dr. Henry Cloud Separateness....being me without losing you. Gosh, this resonates with me so much because I didn’t have it growing up. I had “If you go to live with your dad, you can never come back.” “If you do this or that” basically I will retreat and withhold my love to you or I’ll berate you. It doesn’t take to long for a child to pick up on this, I’m not a separate person but merely a extension of you and my job is to comply and do whatever makes you happy. That’s what I learned. Slowly I lost my voice and it’s said to say I’m 48 and I’m finally learning I have a voice and it’s safe for me to use it. Can you relate to this at all? Has someone in your life been like this to you? How did you overcome? The sad thing is that it doesn’t just stop with the person or persons who first did this, now it becomes a learned behavior and we repeat it until we learn something different. From Cloud- Townsend Resources

Healthy Boundaries and Effects of Crossing Over Boundaries Body - Healthy Boundary Our body has physical boundaries that define who we are. We have the ability to physically open ourselves up to good things from the outside. We can eat nourishing food, open our eyes to something beautiful, listen to our favorite music and breathe in fresh air. Likewise we can choose to keep bad things out. We can refuse spoiled food, shut our eyes when the light is too bright, cover our ears when music is too loud, or sneeze when the air is dusty. Body - Crossing over Boundaries To invade another personís body, to cross over this persons boundaries, is the most basic act of abuse. The first effect of a crossover in body boundaries is that the person whose boundaries are crossed feels more like a thing than a person. Whether the abuse is sexual, physical or verbal, it can cause a person to feel like they no longer own their own bodies. They loose an aspect that defines who they are. Work must be done to reclaim what they have lost. Attitudes- Healthy Boundaries Our attitudes are our opinions about something. We are responsible for our own attitudes, for they exist inside our ìproperty line.î They are within our hearts, not someone elseís. God tells us to examine and take responsibility for the attitudes and beliefs that govern our lives. They form the structure of our personality. In the beginning of life, we ìsoak upî attitudes; as we mature, we need to take responsibility for making sure our opinions are ours and not someone elseís. We choose them. Attitudes - Crossing over Boundaries We often do not own our own attitudes; instead, we take responsibility for the attitudes of others. We may complain how a person is ìputting expectationsî on us. Whenever we feel pressured by someone to do something, it is our problem and not the problem of the one who is putting the pressure on. In reality, our ìfeeling pressureî is our tendency to agree with the pressurerís attitude instead of setting forth our own. We must get in touch with how we are getting hooked into saying yes and not put the blame on the other person. Feelings - Healthy Boundaries Feelings signal our state of being. Feelings tell us how we are doing, what matters to us, what needs changing, what is going well, and what is going badly. We are responsible for our own feelings. To disown our feelings and ignore responsibility for them is one of the most destructive things we can do to both others and ourselves. When we take responsibility for our own disappointments, we are setting clear boundaries Feelings - Crossing over Boundaries If we feel responsible for other peopleís feelings, we can no longer make decisions based on what is right. Instead, we will make decisions based on how others feel about our choices. If we feel responsible for other peopleís displeasure, we are being controlled by others, not God. This is a basic boundary disturbance. When we take responsibility for othersí feelings we are crossing over their boundaries. We should always be sensitive to othersí feelings about our choices. But we should never take responsibility for how they feel. Behavior - Healthy Boundaries We cannot go where we want to go in life if we do not own both what we do and what we donít do. This is the basic law of cause and effect or sowing and reaping. People who obey this law of the universe feel in control of their lives, to the extent that we are able to feel in control. If they have a need, they behave in a way that will get their need met: they pray, they go to work, they ask for help, they exercise, they make friends, they behave in ways that bear fruit in their lives and they get somewhere. To own our behavior, to take responsibility for it, is an important aspect of knowing our boundaries. Behavior - Crossing over Boundaries People who donít obey the law of cause and effect, who do not own their behavior and the consequences for it, feel enormously powerless. They become dependent on others who encourage their irresponsibility to maintain their dependency. Whenever anyone is not allowed to ìownî their own behavior, or suffer its consequences, boundaries are being crossed. To shield people from the consequences of their behavior is unbiblical. It can cause a person to live a life of chaos because they have no confidence in their ability to cause an effect. Thoughts - Healthy Boundaries Our thoughts are another important aspect of who we are. We are to develop them in the same way we develop any other aspect of ourselves. We are to take every thought captive, take responsibility for it and evaluate it. If we are owning our thoughts, we are not repressing or denying them. This dynamic of ìowningî oneís own thoughts is very important in establishing identity because what we think is an essential part of who we are. Thinking our own thoughts is the beginning of freedom and responsibility. Thoughts - Crossing over Boundaries When we take responsibility for someone elseís thoughts, we invade their boundaries; we interfere with their property. If we expect them to take responsibility for ours, we have a similar problem. Boundaries get crossed in thinking when people try to put their interpretations onto others. We need to give people the right to their own thoughts and interpretations and not try to change them. Each person has the responsibility to change his or her own thoughts and opinions. Abilities - Healthy Boundaries God has given each of us certain talents and abilities, and He holds us responsible for developing them. Many times people do not explore their own talents. They accept othersí definitions of them, without seeing if these definitions fit. We lose ourselves when we so conform to others wishes for what we ìshouldî be. We are separate people with separate identity. We must own what is our true self, and develop it with Godís grace and truth. Abilities - Crossing over Boundaries People who cross boundaries in this area are in danger of feeling either false pride or false guilty. An eye may look at a hand and say, ìI can see so much better than that hand! Arenít I great!î or ìI canít pick up anything like that hand can. Iím so stupid.î Both appraisals are inaccurate. In addition, we must not allow someone else to cross our boundaries and try to tell us what our abilities are. Parents are often guilty of this kind of boundary crossing. They may want their child to be an intellectual when his is an athlete or the reverse. If loved ones cannot appreciate and value our real talents, we often conform to their expectations and deny our real abilities. Desires - Healthy Boundaries Our desires are a major part of what it means to be created in Godís likeness. He has given many desires to us; others we have chosen. Both can be good. But some of our desires are not good. In either case, we must begin to own them to straighten out what is good and bad. When we do not acknowledge our desires, we cut ourselves off from who we are, and we limit our future satisfaction. God uses our desires to fulfill his purposes. Only when we admit our desires can God work with us to meet them, delay them, encourage us to give them up, or whatever would be helpful. Desires - Crossing over Boundaries Desires are like feelings and any other element of what lies within our boundaries. We must own ours, and ours only. They are our responsibility and not someone elseís. For example, letís say Jimís wife, Jean, has a desire for a nice yard. This is her desire, not his; therefore, she is responsible for it. She can certainly ask Jim for help, and he may give it to her. But she is still responsible for obtaining it. If he doesnít give it, and she still wants it, she must take responsibility for getting it, If she doesnít get it, thatís her problem also. If we donít see that we own our desires, we blame others when we are deprived. This is a case of crossing over boundaries. Choices - Healthy Boundaries To own and make our own choices, we must be aware of all aspects of ourselves (attitudes, behaviors, feelings, desires and thoughts) that go into any decision. In addition, we must be aware that we are making a choice about almost everything we do. There are certainly things in life over which we have no control, but we always have a choice about how we will respond to these things. Our choices determine our direction in life. Choices - Crossing over Boundaries The essence of boundaries is taking responsibility, and at the hub of responsibility is choice. God has given every human the ability to choose. Whenever we make someone elseís choices for them, or whenever we think they are responsible for making our choices for us, boundaries are crossed. Limits - Healthy Boundaries When we examine our boundaries we discover our limits. Just as our yard has physical boundaries, so our livesóemotional, psychological, and spiritualóhave limits also. We all possess a finite amount of ability, time, money, energy and so on. It takes time to learn our limits in the various areas of life but they can be learned if we are aware of our feelings, attitudes and behaviors. At times, we may overextend ourselves. Or at other times, our limits may be too narrow. We can err in either direction. It takes much grace, truth and practice in time with others to discover our limits and to take responsibility for them. This is the balanced life. Limits - Crossing over boundaries Crossed boundaries work the same way with limits. We must own our own, and not othersí. We decide what limits we will set on ourselves, and let others be responsible for the limits they set on themselves. If we have limitations of time, money or energy, we must set those. If we extend them too far, it is our fault. At the same time we cannot decide where someone elseís limits are. If a family member chooses not to limit their drinking this is their responsibility. However, other family members can set limits on how they will be affected by it. They can limit their exposure to the behavior by removing themselves from the situation until the behavior is changed. Above is a excerpt from Cloud-Townsend Resources Changes That Heal- Becoming Separate -Creating Healthy Boundaries Today I'm choosing different, I choose to have healthy boundaries in my life and I can choose to not allow unacceptable behavior. You too can do the same thing. I DO HAVE A CHOICE and so do you! I pray God will strengthen you and harden you to difficulties. That He will show what to do and how to make the changes you need to make for your own health and sanity. That he will give you the courage to follow through the hard things and use your voice in a positive way. May He bless you sweet friend and may He help you overcome in Jesus name, Amen!! Big hugs, Nicole 💗 P.S. As you can tell I'm a huge fan of Dr. Henry Cloud, I love all his work and books. Boundaries has helped me so much. If you struggle in this area, check out his book Boundaries and you can also follow him on Facebook. He always shares great stuff!